Sports
Players the Portland Trail Blazers Do Lose To
“We don’t lose to Spanish players.” —item on a laminated card reporters discovered in the Portland Trail Blazers locker room Sunday after they lost to the Memphis Grizzlies, 100-86
PLAYERS THE PORTLAND TRAIL BLAZERS DO LOSE TO
1. American players
2. Players on teams with uniforms
3. Left-handed players
4. Right-handed players
5. Any players who have developed a dominant hand, either left or right
6. Players currently in the NBA
7. Groups of players who together score more points in a game than we do (this is by rule)
8. Slovenian players
9. Congolese players
10. German players
11. French players
12. Players who have told us not to hate players, to instead hate the game
13. Argentinian players
14. Australian players
15. Italian players
16. Players of all sorts of nationalities, really—it’s a diverse league and hard to keep track
17. Players who work together, with schemes and plays
18. Players who shoot from really far away but still make it even from there
19. Players with beards
20. Clean-shaven players
21. Players who play defense like really hard and serious
22. Players who used to play for us but then went to another team and now play against us
23. Short players
24. Tall players
25. Spanish players
Pete Tothero works in finance but is somehow also the magazine’s Sports Editor.
In September he decoded a GE ad that ran during the NFL’s opening week.
