NFL WEEK 14
"Entitled" Just Means He's Won titles, Doesn't It?
The league first became suspicious of Seattle’s defensive backs when it noticed one had grown tail feathers.By Pete Tothero
Last week: 9-7
Season: 123-68
Of ESPN’s 13 “NFL Experts,” number who have a better record than me: 2
How I feel after slipping a spot: I have not felt anything in years.
THURSDAY
Houston Texans (2-10) at Jacksonville Jaguars (3-9)
SUNDAY
Indianapolis Colts (8-4) at Cincinnati Bengals (8-4)
This is exactly the kind of game Cincinnati historically drops. They’re rolling, everyone believes in them...then they lose. They do it every season. I shouldn’t pick them. I know better. The Colts are good—they beat the Broncos, they’re really good!
Nope, can’t do it. I’m going to make the same mistake again. Pick: Cincinnati
Atlanta Falcons (3-9) at Green Bay Mark of Cain (5-6-1)
Is there any greater stigma in the NFL than having a tie in your record? It’s like the mark of Cain. So you played the Minnesota Vikings and you...couldn’t beat them? Oh, okay, well—that happens. (That hardly ever happens.) You were even given extra time to beat them, and you still couldn’t do it? Sure, I mean—that’s what ties are for, right? (No one knows what ties are for.) So, um...what is wrong with you? (What is wrong with you?) Pick: Green Bay
Cleveland Browns (4-8) at New England Entitlement (9-3)
What? No! When I called Tom Brady "Entitled Tom Brady," I was just referring to the fact that he’s won NFL titles. What did you think I meant? That week after week he acts like an insufferable ass who expects referees to genuflect before him and wide receivers to kiss his rings? Nooooo. I didn’t mean that at all. Why would you think that? Pick: New England
Oakland Raiders (4-8) at New York Spirally Shells (5-7)
Making a pick in this game is like making a pick in a snail race or a frog-jumping contest: what could the criteria possibly be? I have none. I pick the ones with the really spirally shells and the pink antennae or horns or whatever you call it. Yeah, those. Go, spirally shells! They’re—wait, they’re going the wrong way! Over here, spirally shells! Go this way! The line is over here! Hold it—are the spirally shells even alive? Someone pick up the spirally shells and see if they respond. Pick: New York Spirally Shells
Detroit Lions (7-5) at Philadelphia Straw (7-5)
Cowardly Lion at Scarecrow. You’re thinking the Lion, of course, but remember—it’s Cowardly Lion, and Scarecrow can dance. Also: Scarecrow hasn't got a brain, and therefore cannot suffer a concussion. Tough one, right? I don’t really know, either. Let’s go with Scarecrow and hope the Lions don’t realize they just need a match. Pick: Philadelphia
Miami Dolphins (6-6) at Pittsburgh Proper Form (5-7)
You know, it’s getting to the point where coaches have almost no legal options for how to trip an opposing player from the sidelines. What people don’t understand is that coaches are taught from when they are very young that the correct form for interfering with a play is to look up at the jumbotron and then slyly back onto the field as an opposing player is running past. It’s how they’re taught to trip! And now suddenly it’s illegal? What is he supposed to do, just stand there and let the guy score? This league is turning into a joke. This used to be a place where men played football. If Mike Tomlin can’t intentionally unintentionally accidentally on purpose trip an opposing player, then is this even football anymore? Lame. Pick: Pittsburgh
Buffalo Bills (4-8) at Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3-9)
Definitely a game the league would have to think about flexing to Thursday night under my new system (if we didn't also have Houston at Jacksonville on the schedule). Also, my Thursday Night Football would open with Weird Al Yankovic singing "I Lost on Jeopardy." He would not change the lyrics to reflect football or the NFL or anything like that. It’s fine as it is. Pick: Tampa Bay
Kansas City Chiefs (9-3) at Washington Shanahans (3-9)
Most people think Mike Shanahan played a crucial role in the Broncos’ back-to-back Super Bowl wins in the 90s. What this pick presupposes is: Maybe he didn’t? (Also: he is not a genius.) Pick: Kansas City
Gross. Pick: Baltimore
Tennessee Titans (5-7) at Denver Broncos (10-2)
Peyton Manning’s neck is fused, his feet are taped on, and he wears an evil glove on his throwing hand. Is he replacing or modifying body parts bit by bit, hoping we won’t notice? If you don’t watch it, Peyton, some day you might become more machine than...Manning? (Ha! I make joke!) Pick: Denver
St. Louis Rams (5-7) at Arizona Cardinals (7-5)
The InvisiBowl! Nobody follows these teams. They are televised only in their home markets, after the late local news. There are no announcers—the game just plays silently on channel 18. There is no score on the screen or graphics of any kind. The players call their own penalties and the league asks that both head coaches sign a scorecard at the end attesting to the outcome of the game. They can play wherever they want, as long as the game is complete by Sunday at 4. On television, after the last play there is an immediate cut to:
It actually works fine and everyone has fun. Pick: Arizona
New York Giants (5-7) at San Diego Chargers (5-7)
Isn’t it funny that this is kind of a big game? One of these two teams is going to prove that they have the mettle to be...6-7! Pick: San Diego
Seattle Seahawks (11-1) at San Francisco 49ers (8-4)
It’s unfortunate, but Richard Sherman might be right: People don’t pay much attention to the Seahawks. They’re just quietly up there being the best team in the league. The d-backs get suspended for drug stuff and the nation just kind of shrugs. If that happened to a team in the NFC East it would be all over ESPN. But the nation can’t seem to wrap its head around Seattle. Wake up, people! You’re playing right into their hands! Pick: Seattle
Carolina Panthers (9-3) at New Orleans Saints (9-3)
Nobody beats the Saints at home. As soon as the visiting team’s plane lands, the locals welcome them to Mardi Gras and begin plying them with rum, deep-fried food, and all-night dancing. By game time they’re contacting the league to see if wearing Mardi Gras beads is allowed during a game, and whether they can have king cake at halftime. They don’t even care about the game—the fact that they’re supposed to play a football game is so wacky! It’s just so funny! Pick: New Orleans
MONDAY
Dallas Cowboys (7-5) at Chicago Bears (6-6)
Everyone thinks the Cowboys are going to win this game, but it’s December, and we’re ripe for a Chicago evening on which the wind starts shooting in off Lake Michigan and the temperature plunges to single digits by game time. The field turns to crunchy ice, players gather around heaters without a single thought of what’s happening in the game, and place kickers curl into fetal positions and cover themselves with towels. Chicago usually wins one game per year on a night like this, where the score ends up 13-9 or 16-12. I’m not looking at a forecast, I’m just going to play a total hunch and say this could be that night. Pick: Chicago
