Bracketology Writer Insists Head is Empty

Music

No Champion in My Head
Bracketology Writer insists Head is Empty

Los Lobos. The band has yet to be inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

Part One: Expanded Confusion
Part Two: Cute Metal
Part Three: Live Look-Ins
Part Four: An Empty Head
Part Five: Lots of Colons
Part Six: Champion Determined

By Matthew Kauffman Smith

ear Bracketlovely: I’m a longtime reader, first-time writer. The Propeller editors seem to be implying that your whole tournament is somewhat of a pre-determined fraud. But I still believe. –MKS

As Steve Perry of Journey advised me years ago, I don’t stop believin’. I would still believe in Santa if I hadn’t walked in on a would-be Santa slapping on a fake beard and drinking a fifth of gin between his mall gigs back in the 80s. The editors—or my “eddies,” as I call them—never seem to be in the office when I’m there, but I know deep down, they too believe in Album Bracketology. It’s important to point out that as of press time for this fourth installment, I still do not know who this year’s winner will be. Just like the other March Madness now going on in April, I won’t know who wins until the last game—or last listen-off—has concluded. I know the final four, but I haven’t even crowned a champion yet in my head. [Ed. note: It seems the writer is suggesting here that he makes this up as he goes along, without any planning. One could hardly argue. Maybe we can do something with the article's header to indicate this?]

Speaking of my eddies: it appears my video choices aren’t highly regarded in the hallowed halls of Chez Propeller. Point taken. I went the extra mile to find…

Live look in: Sorry to interrupt but the lowest remaining seed, the No. 99 Screaming Females, or Screamales as they are known to their fans, have been eliminated and finish twenty-fourth.

As I was saying, I went the extra…

Live look in: My eddies informed me that there was a problem when we threw the story to sideline reporter Vance, a.k.a. Uncle Vanya, in my last installment. Apparently there was a glitch with the live feed from our satellite. But if the feed was working, Uncle V would have told you that a key phrase in Margaret Atwood’s novel The Handmaid’s Tale was the faux-Latin phrase nolite te bastardes carborundorum, or “Don’t let the bastards grind you down.” And Blackalicious took that advice, defeating the Heartless Bastards, a.k.a. the Hearty Babas, and advancing onward. Still, the Heartless Bastards notch their third top-twenty finish in the history of Album Bracketology.

Elsewhere in the loser bracket:

Loser bracket round 6 (losers comprise picks 17-24)
The Weepies def. Screaming Females
Josh Ritter def. Bully
Beach Slang def. Misterwives
Decemberists def. Passion Pit
Chvrches def. Summer Cannibals
Kurt Vile & the Violators def. Lady Lamb
Blackalicious def. Heartless Bastards
Los Lobos def. Lost Lander

Before I so rudely interrupted myself, I was saying that I searched long and hard for a video that the editors would enjoy for one of the losers in round six. [Ed. note: But which one of the losers do you want us to enjoy it for? Why can't the losers enjoy the video on their own—why do they need us to enjoy it for them? Syntax, man!] And so I present to you the carefully curated video from No. 20 Misterwives:

[Ed note: The editorial staff discussed whether to insert here a statement on the difference between a good song, which the above may be, and a good video, which the above is not. It was decided, however, that any discussion of aesthetics placed within this piece would be a losing proposition.]

24. Screaming Females: Rose Mountain
23. Passion Pit: Kindred
22. Lost Lander: Medallion
21. Summer Cannibals: Show Us Your Mind
20. Misterwives: Our Own House
19. Bully: Feels Like
18. Lady Lamb: After
17. Heartless Bastards: Restless Ones

The ghost of Anton Chekhov wanted me to remind you that I stated back in the first installment that there has never been a female champion, but female-fronted rock bands flourished in 2015. In addition to the Heartless Bastards and Misterwives, Lady Lamb, Screaming Females, Bully and Portland’s own Summer Cannibals all finished in the top twenty-four.

Live look in: While waiting for the winner bracket elite eight to play out, we have more action in the loser bracket, where hip-hop duo Blackalicious defeats veterans Los Lobos. I attended MerleFest a few years ago when Los Lobos were one of the headliners. Audience members kept screaming “La Bamba,” throughout the show, urging the band to play their biggest hit. They did eventually, but by then most people had left. Los Lobos didn’t seem to care, however, and why would they? As their latest album, Gates of Gold, proved yet again, they do their own thing. Straddling rock, blues, cumbia, or whatever they’re feeling at the moment, Los Lobos continues to produce stellar albums forty years after they started. They belong in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, right next to Weird Al, of course.

As reported in the last installment: The Decemberists’ dream of becoming the first two-time champion. This may have appeared to be a fragment, but in fact was a misuse of the possessive apostrophe. I should have said: The Decemberists dream of becoming the first two-time champion. And really, can you blame them? Don’t we all? But alas, the dream is over, as the Decemberists lose to Beach Slang.

Elsewhere, we’re still having problems with Uncle Vanya’s live feed but he reports that husband-wife duo the Weepies have advanced in the loser bracket, defeating Josh Ritter. So here is where we stand:

Loser bracket round 7 (losers comprise picks 13-16)
The Weepies def. Josh Ritter
Beach Slang def. The Decemberists
Kurt Vile def. Chvrches
Blackalicious def. Los Lobos

16. Decemberists: What a Terrible World, What a Beautiful World
15. Josh Ritter: Sermon on the Rocks
14. Los Lobos: Gates of Gold
13. Chvrches: Every Open Eye

Last year, Album Bracketology played what the Propeller editors called the “least diverse, most uncomfortably white music video ever” by Portland band Ages and Ages. But now I present you with Exhibit B, and will leave it up to my eddies to decide if they want to change their minds. But you at least have to make it to the 1:45 mark of the video.

[Ed. note: The editors attempted but were unable to make it to the 1:45 mark of the above video. The song created such extreme displeasure in listeners that the video was stopped at the :37 mark.]

No matter what you think of the video, “Get Ready to Get Down” is one of the top five songs of the year. [Ed note: The magazine's readership has fallen by half during this year's Album Bracketology. Editorial morale is at an all-time low. What sick thrill do you get out of writing sentences like that?] I have a list, by the way, of top singles. Should we do a concurrent Song Bracketology? Maybe we can budget that into next year’s publication schedule.

Upset alert: No. 2 Sleater-Kinney becomes the latest top seed to fall, losing to 2013 champion Jason Isbell. He also dreams of becoming the first two-time champion. The highest seed remaining on the winners’ side is No. 4 Grimes.

Live look in: The Alabama Shakes have just defeated Grimes.

And now we’re into the top ten.

Loser bracket round 8 (losers comprise picks 9-12)
Skinny Lister def. The Weepies
Grimes def. Beach Slang
Oddisee def. Kurt Vile
Blackalicious def. Sleater-Kinney

12. The Weepies: Sirens
11. Sleater-Kinney: No Cities to Love
10. Beach Slang: The Things We Do to Find People Who Feel Like Us
9. Kurt Vile: b’lieve i’m goin’ down

Kurt Vile finishes ninth but in the Song Bracketology, he was in the top five:

Where we stand: The winner bracket final four is all set with Donnie Trumpet and the Social Experiment, Alabama Shakes, Courtney Barnett, and Jason Isbell, whose dream of being a two-time champion remains intact. Also, could this be the first time since Mos Def in 2009 that we crown a hip-hop champion? Blackalicious continued its impressive run in the loser bracket, and Oddisee and Donnie Trumpet are still alive. With Alabama Shakes, Grimes, and Courtney Barnett all in the top eight, Chekhov wants you to know that there is still a chance for a first female champion. Also, for our readers across the pond, you’ll be happy to know that we could have the first British champion with Skinny Lister still alive. [Ed. note: Did you previously have a British champion with Skinny Lister dead? SYNTAX, MAN!] Any way you slice the tournament loaf of bread Bracketology, we’ll be making history this year, right here on the sacred web pages of Propeller.

69. Mynabirds: Lovers Know
68. Hop Along: Painted Shut
67. Girlpool: Before the World Was Big
66. Kacey Musgraves: Pageant Material
65. Rayland Baxter: Imaginary Man
64. Oh Wonder: Oh Wonder
63. Tamaryn: Cranekiss
62. Tame Impala: Currents
61. Briana Marela: All Around Us
60. Death Cab for Cutie: Kintsugi
59. Amason: Sky City
58. Radical Dads: Universal Coolers
57. Ezra Furman: Perpetual Motion People
56. Motopony: Welcome You
55. Shovels & Rope: Busted Jukebox, Vol. 1
54. Mikal Cronin: MCIII
53. Wolf Alice: Creature Songs
52. Kelela: Hallucinogen
51. Protomartyr: The Agent Intellect
50. Andra Day: Cheers to the Fall
49. FFS: FFS
48. Guster: Evermotion
47. Moon Taxi: Daybreaker
46. Baio: The Names
45. Langhorne Slim and the Law: The Spirit Moves
44. The Domestics: The Domestics
43. Father John Misty: I Love You, Honeybear
42. 21 Pilots: Blurryface
41. Wilco: Star Wars
40. Frank Turner: Positive Songs for Negative People
39. Dwight Yoakam: Second Hand Heart
38. Ought: Sun Coming Down
37. Speedy Ortiz: Foil Dear
36. SOAK: Before We Forget How to Dream
35. Watkins Family Hour: Watkins Family Hour
34. Unknown Mortal Orchestra: Multi-Love
33. Titus Andronicus: The Most Lamentable Tragedy
32. Fidlar: Too
31. Greg Holden: Chase the Sun
30. Israel Nash: Israel Nash’s Silver Season
29. Nathaniel Rateliff and the Night Sweats: Nathaniel Rateliff and the Night Sweats
28. Brandi Carlile: The Firewatcher’s Daughter
27. Torres: Sprinter
26. Bottle Rockets: South Broadway Athletic Club
25. Leon Bridges: Coming Home
24. Screaming Females: Rose Mountain
23. Passion Pit: Kindred
22. Lost Lander: Medallion
21. Summer Cannibals: Show Us Your Mind
20. Misterwives: Our Own House
19. Bully: Feels Like
18. Lady Lamb: After
17. Heartless Bastards: Restless Ones
16. Decemberists: What a Terrible World, What a Beautiful World
15. Josh Ritter: Sermon on the Rocks
14. Los Lobos: Gates of Gold
13. Chvrches: Every Open Eye
12. The Weepies: Sirens
11. Sleater-Kinney: No Cities to Love
10. Beach Slang: The Things We Do to Find People Who Feel Like Us
9. Kurt Vile: b’lieve i’m goin’ down

[Ed.note: The brackets below are included as sent to us by the author. All Propeller editors or designers are either on vacation or have declined to be associated with Album Bracketology. Apologies.]

THE DECEMBERISTS BRACKET