Hoosier musician Paul Mahern pictured hoosiering music in a state of intense hoosier. (Hoosier)

oh no part one | why part two | oh great part three | seriously four? | five is enough

NEARLY THREE DECADES AGO, my friend Heather Kropf sprinted to the lead of a big race at sectionals, where the best athletes in a tri-county area tried to start their journeys toward the Indiana high school state track and field championships. Heather was only a sophomore, but our high school planned to destroy our track in favor of building a parking lot for our new gymnasium, thus ending the school’s track and field program and squashing the dreams of the handfuls of students on the team. What better way to go out than to win sectionals, then regionals, and then the school’s first state championship in any sport? Heather ran like the Indiana wind breezing through cornfields. Her competitors ate her cinder-tinged dust. For one lap. Heather had seven more laps to go in a 3200 meter race.

Had there been a tornado warning after one lap, had everyone been evacuated to a cellar somewhere, and had the track stadium been obliterated by the twister, Heather Kropf would have been sectional champion. Alas, the weather favored the fast and steady runners that day, and Heather finished near the back. For one lap, however, she was a rabbit.

Heather started writing songs a few years later and released her first album shortly after college. In 2017, she released her fifth—and best—album, thanks to crowd-funding and an ambition that led her to Nashville to work with a renowned producer. More importantly, nearly three decades after her quest for Hoosier glory on a track somewhere in Elkhart County, Heather Kropf is a state champion.

“Normally a position for a pull quote. The editorial staff refuses to work on album bracketology. This is not a quote from the piece.”

In a preseason tournament held in the seclusion of Propeller’s unpublished zine Pontoon, Heather’s album Lights defeated Gentlemen and Scholars, The Hoops, Strand of Oaks, and Indiana legend John Mellencamp to win the PIT (Propeller Indiana Trophy) as the best album by an Indiana artist in 2017. Though Heather lives in Pittsburgh now, the tournament by-laws define a “Hoosier musician” as someone who lived there nine years or more. [Ed. note: There is no Propeller Indiana Trophy. We do not have the slightest idea what makes a person a “Hoosier musician.”]

Now, much like laps two through eight in that fateful race in 1988, Heather enters the real competition as Propeller presents its annual Album Bracketology, a double-elimination tournament to crown the best album of 2017. If you are new to this annual tradition, you’re bored, or you are a Propeller editor, here is how the tournament works:

• There are a record 256 albums in this year’s tournament, making a perfect number for a double elimination tournament with no byes or filler. (Last year, there were 220 legitimate albums and 36 fake bands. This year, every album is real.)
• If a match-up is too close to call, there is a “listen-off” in the Propeller studios. [Ed. note: There are no Propeller studios and no “listen-offs.” Propeller’s editors disavow any connection to Album Bracketology. When Album Bracketology begins running, the editorial staff refuses to report to work until it is over.] If there is still a question after this listening event, the Propeller editorial board holds a caucus to decide the winner. This move is used sparingly. [Ed. note: It is used never. It is not a thing.]
• For the first time ever, this year’s draw was completely random. Theoretically, the best two albums of the year could meet in the first round (and potentially again in the final).
• In keeping with tradition, 41 percent of the total number of entrants will make the prestigious list of the year’s top albums. Forty-one percent of 256, rounded up, is 105.
• To plagiarize myself from last year’s tournament, bad draws happen to good albums, and Album Bracketology takes that into account. The best two albums that lost their first two matchups will finish Nos. 104 and 105. Three albums that are eliminated after losers bracket round two will finish 101-103. And four albums that meet their demise after losers bracket round three will crack the top hundred with places 97-100. Any album that advances to at least the winners bracket round three and/or the losers bracket round four will round out the final 96 albums.

Alvin Stardust in AVRO’s TopPop (Dutch television show) in 1974.

You can follow along with the bracket (link at the bottom). Thanks to an autocorrect error, Album Bracketology is known online this year as Alvin Bracketology. [Ed. note: Link right there. Why wait until the bottom? What is wrong with this writer?] I’m pretty sure I went to high school with Alvin Bracketology. He was a good dude, shared his Skittles. As I type this, the Propeller photo editor is fervently looking for stock photos of famous people named Alvin to supplement/undermine the writing. Readers: do not get distracted by the Alvins; keep your eyes on the prose. [Ed. note: The photo editor refuses to work on Album Bracketology. Images will be auto-inserted by a program that scans the text.]

Because of the unprecedented number of albums in the tournament, this should be the longest first installment ever written. In honor of the men’s and women’s NCAA tournaments starting this week, we will whittle our field down from 256 to 64. So, let’s get right to the countdown and unveil the first tribute video. [Ed note: When the author writes “We will whittle our field down from 256 to 64,” he actually means that he already has. In previous years, constructions like these have been baffling. We now simply assume that the author is largely unfamiliar with the implications of English verb tenses.]

105. Kweku Collins, Grey
104. Polyrhythmics, Caldera

A nod to Hippo Campus and Queens of the Stone Age, who both had difficult draws and probably deserved to make the final 105. But in the end, Kweku Collins and Seattle’s own Polyrythmics broke through.

Heather Kropf update (from here on out, this will be known as the Heather Kropfdate): Heather defeated Allison Crutchfield in the first round and faces Rapsody in round two. Little known fact: Heather and I share the same birthday, and thanks to Heather’s Wikipedia research, we now know that Rapsody was also born Jan. 21. Aquarians taking out other Aquarians is always difficult to see, but Heather advances to round three. I messaged her to tell her the news and to hint that her third round opponent is someone she trash-talked in the tournament three years ago. “Oh sweet Jesus, it’s St. Vincent again,” Heather said. “Well, I’ll buy myself a round of beers and celebrate how far I’ve gotten.” Heather found St. Vincent’s last album grating but I liked it. Heather finished a respectable No. 40 in 2014, while St. Vincent finished fourth.

Heather and St. Vincent are among the 53 returning artists that have made it to the Album Bracketology final elite cut at least once since the tournament’s inception in 2009, including five albums that finished in the prestigious Top 90 last year: Margo Price (No. 75); Big Thief (No. 72); Kevin Morby (No. 65); Oddisee (Nos. 89 and 44); and the highest returning artist, Japanese Breakfast, who finished No. 31 last year.

Oddisee is going for his fourth charting album in just three years and is, so far, set to be Propeller’s hip-hop artist of the decade. [Ed. note: The idea that Propeller would name a hip-hop artist of the decade is preposterous.] Speaking of impressive and consistent results, the National returns this year after finishing No. 3 in both 2010 and 2013. Also, this year’s tournament includes two former champions trying to become the first ever two-time winners of the Album Bracketology Cup (ABC): 2012 champ Japandroids, and Jason Isbell, who won in 2013 in the first tournament published in Propeller. Unfortunately for them, however, they’re in the same part of the bracket.

Japanese Breakfast.

Breaking news: Lorde defeated Japanese Breakfast in a difficult first-round matchup, meaning the top returnee from last year needs to progress through the losers bracket to reach last year’s heights.

Thanks to new technology, Propeller’s sideline reporters can give us updates in real-time. The NCAA tournament can offer live look-ins and real-time updates but our tournament has an advantage over the other tournament in that our sideline reporters can simultaneously let us know what is happening in different rounds. It would be like finding out Duke won the second round while Kentucky was already in the third round. [Ed. note: Rounds don’t have individual winners, so that sentence doesn’t make sense. And the use of “simultaneously” above is another instance of the author’s eccentric employment of temporal indicators in English. Veteran readers know that one way to make Album Bracketology less confusing to read is to skip the prose.] This just in: our sideline reporter Alvin B. reports that the tournament is through the losers bracket round two and that three albums with unfortunate draws have received a consolation prize of making the final list.

103. SZA, CTRL
102. Sera Cahoone, From Where I Started
101. Cody ChesnuTT, My Love Divine Degree

SZA finished third in Metacritic’s compilation of critics’ top ten lists for 2017. The top 25 of those critical darlings are all entrants in this year’s Album Bracketology. In a notable second round match-up, Kendrick Lamar’s DAMN.—the universal album of the year—defeated another top 25 Metacritic finisher, Jay-Z.

Breaking news: Lorde, chosen as the critics’ second best album in 2017, defeated Kendrick Lamar in winners bracket round three. [Ed. note: Lorde is, of course, not an album. Is the author aware of this? Let’s not investigate.]

More breaking news: Japandroids are out. The 2012 champs couldn’t survive a brutal draw of losing to Elbow in round two and then the Autonomics in losers bracket round three. Elbow also knocked Jason Isbell down to the losers bracket in round three, meaning a chance for repeat champs are slim to none. Japandroids still get a consolation prize of finishing in the top 100.

100. The Juju, The Exchange
99. Japandroids, Near to the Wild Heart of Life
98. War and Treaty, Down to the River
97. The Kickback, Weddings & Funerals

War and Treaty will provide a little break before we move into the top 96, or, as the Propeller staff calls it around the water cooler: the Elite List (oft shortened to the Elitist.) [Ed. note: No water cooler. No calling anything anything. No one here. “Oft?”]

Breaking Kropfdate: Heather defeats St. Vincent and is stunned. “What!??? That is badass. I was definitely not expecting that.”

For all intents and purposes, Heather, unlike 1988, is leading after three laps. [Ed. note: The previous sentence suggests that the year 1988 is not leading after three laps. Because this is technically true—years cannot lead races—we will allow it to stand, despite the fact that it is nonsense.]

96. Giants in the Trees, Giants in the Trees
95. Feral Conservatives, Better Lives
94. Minus the Bear, VOIDS
93. The Lone Bellow, Walk Into a Storm
92. Algiers, The Underside of Power
91. Kevin Morby, City Music
90. Briana Marela, Call It Love
89. Moses Sumney, Aromanticism
88. Portugal. The Man, Woodstock
87. Gorillaz, Humanz
86. Guantanamo Baywatch, Desert Center
85. Lady Lamb, Tender Warriors Club
84. Theo Katzman, Heartbreak Hits
83. Palehound, A Place I’ll Always Go
82. This is the Kit, Moonshine Freeze
81. Kelley Stoltz, Que Aura
80. Tall Tall Trees, Freedays
79. Overcoats, Young
78. Sampha, Process
77. Spoon, Hot Thoughts
76. Passion Pit, Tremendous Sea of Love
75. Songhoy Blues, Resistance

Alvin B’s Sideline reporter instant analysis: Two Bracketology faves drop out lower than they’re accustomed to but that shouldn’t overshadow that they’re still producing consistently good albums. Passion Pit released an under-the-radar small-label album this year, marking the fourth time they’ve charted, including a top 5 finish in 2012. Spoon finished third in 2014 and charts for the third time with last year’s Hot Thoughts. Alvin B, however, has chosen Songhoy Blues for this video break from tournament action. [Ed. note: Is Alvin B speaking about himself in the third person here? Wait. The author forgot that he was supposed to be writing in Alvin B’s voice before he even reached the end of the Alvin B paragraph. Oh, man. Beautiful.]

74. The Sadies, Northern Passages
73. Julien Baker, Turn Out the Lights
72. Bash & Pop, Anything Could Happen
71. The Weather Station, The Weather Station
70. Rapsody, Laila’s Wisdom
69. Aldous Harding, Party
68. Laura Marling, Semper Femina
67. Alex Lahey, I Love You Like a Brother
66. Loyle Carner, Yesterday’s Gone
65. Rainer Maria, S/T

Alvin B reports that there are rumors in the locker rooms that Rainer Maria returned from an 11-year hiatus just to have a chance to make Album Bracketology, which started with the 2009 season—three years after the band disbanded. They ran into a game Charly Bliss team and then Kendrick Lamar in losers bracket round four. But they finished No. 1 among the 32 teams eliminated after that round. Perhaps more importantly, they earn a video tribute:

At the next installment of Alvin Bracketology, we will cut the field in half and get us down to the top 32, in honor of Heather Kropf’s near victory in the 3200 meter sectional race. For the latest results, check in with Alvin Bracketology.

Matthew Kauffman Smith is a dancer and freelance amateur magician. He has been holding conceptual tournaments in his room to determine the best album of the year for many, many years. Nevertheless, his argument that Weird Al Yankovic should be in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is sound and persuasive.